HOWARD K. ELSTON (CBE), our royal reporter-in-chief, gives us the latest on the great news about Wills and Kate and you-know-what
A shock announcement from Buckingham Palace has guaranteed that if Prince Will’s child is either a boy OR a girl, it will live a life of luxury, blissful wealth and unlimited access to the good things in life.
In a new ruling from the Commonwealth heads of international conference of overfed bosses, it has been decided that the sex of the impending royal child will not make a jot of difference.
(The promise comes as the UK’s leading lapdog deputy PM Nick Klegg received assurances from the scum press that they will keep to their usual high standards when it comes to reportage. ‘I spoke to the former Downing Street PRO Andy Coulson and he says his erstwhile pals in the tabloids would never stoop to phone hacking, breaking and entering, rummaging through domestic rubbish, paying off cops or heavy pressure doorstepping.’ said Mr Clown.)
The Bucks House mouthpiece continued about the royal news: ‘I can safely say the baby is to be pampered, dressed in the best clothes, fed the best food, educated at Eton and Oxbridge, offered to ride the best horses and go to the classiest nightclubs where either he or she will down the best champagne and probably make into the tabloids- if they exist in 18 years time.’
‘The job emanates raw power and is now open to a boy or girl. After all,’ the courtier said lightly holding a glass of the best sherry, ‘ Being a monarch of England, which is in Europe, is vastly important and should be modern what with going around with a tiara on your head, wearing ridiculous Ruritanian uniforms and cutting ribbons at leisure centres in crummy towns they wouldn’t be seen dead in.’
The Duchess of Cambridge, aka Duchettina Kate from suburbia, is expected to give birth in the summer.
Nigel, a property developer from the North East and a man in the know when it comes to having his ear open to the Royal footfall, said: ‘Girl, boy? They should all get out and find a bloody job.’
(Note: the editor of the site wishes to point out that the final interviewee is from the North East of England and therefore a communist. We disassociate ourselves from his poisonous glib comments and wish to point out this website loves the Queen, Wills, Kate and the one who walked around naked in Las Vegas)
