The Howard Elston Report: The End of the World Is Nigh

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Our top Interplanetary Editor, Sir Howard Elston (DOA),  gives us the lowdown on how we all expire in less than 24 hours

The Planet Earth has been rocked to its very foundations and molten core with news that the world will end tomorrow (Friday 21st December, 2012).

With only  days left before Christmas, it has meant chaos in the shopping malls of the western world where sales of video games and Ipads have soared. Check out counters in  supermarkets are also bursting as panicking earthlings try to refresh their foodstocks in case the world explodes and they have nothing to eat or gather information from.

According to an ancient  Mayan  calendar there is a reported, reputed, alleged perhaps-type doomsday prophecy about an apocalyptic ending to this third rock from the Sun.

The ultimo  doomsday warning was written by a Mayan nutcase who chewed too much coco-plant fibre but  had an inside line with the King of the mighty Mayan civilisation. In what might have been the first tweet ever, he wrote in 1221 AD on a rock of granite:

‘Can’t b-leev its al ending. Finito. LOL… Mayan guy

Tony Blair, the man who correctly entangled us in Iraq and Afghanistan for no apparent reason, is a great believer in the Mayan theory and,  as special advisor  to the Mid East Quartet (who play Madison Square Garden in January in NYC if the world doesn’t end), claimed  the prophecy is true.

He told reporters as he lounged in Silvio Berlesconi’s Tuscan hideaway and slurped a Lemoncello cocktail:  ‘Look, let me be plain about this. My government, us all really, are of the opinion that, opinions aside, we have a ….(full text on

Scientist Professor Mark K.  Tang, from Glasgow’s International Observatory of Planets and Yoga added: ‘ I believe the Mayan prophecy. I went to Mexico last year on my hols and had a great time. Try the tamales with hot sauce.’