by Howard Elston (OBE), our award winning Downing Street editor

The Tories will launch a new round of cutbacks this week with an announcement they will ban aspiration in anyone under the age of 25.

David Cameron,  England’s top Prime Minister,  will say in a Mansion House speech: ‘Why need aspiration any more? It is old fashioned. My friends and I simply went to Eton, got a first in PPE at Oxford, went straight into the Conservative Party Policy Unit and eventually were given a safe seat.’

‘What’s so hard about that? We didn’t need aspiration. We didn’t use it as an emotional crutch. That’s just pathetic behaviour from the bottom feeders who have to go to normal schools and look for a job.’

Needs a knuckleburger

In this keynote address, he will add, according to my sources in Downing Street, that he and his colleagues  ‘…didn’t moan about aspiration all the time.’

‘Now, we went out and used our entitlement to get what we can grab. We had plenty of time also for grouse shooting, riding to the hounds and throwing each other in swimming pools in country houses.’ he will add.

Professor  Marcus Tang, a political science  expert at Maidens University in Scotland commented: ‘ Cameron should come up to Clydeside sometime and we’ll show him some aspiration with a Glasgow kiss and a knuckleburger.’