Our chief crime correspondent Sir Howard Elston sits down with the former Prime Minister following the damning Chilcot Report into the Iraq war.
Sir Howard Elston: Lovely to see you, Antoine. Howya doing, bro’?
Tony Blair: Let me make one thing totally clear, I am your brother, your bro’, but also the brother of all men and women on this planet and…
HE: Yes, let’s cut to the chase. Many have called you a total fuckwit for how you deceived the public over your warmongering
TB: Let me be perfectly clear, Howie. When you say ‘fuckwit’, let’s take a look at it. Yes, I am a wit, a man with a jocular nature. And yes, if by fuck you mean sexually active and virile, I am that too. So, yes I am a virile manly funny dude. Let me be clear about that….
HE: A dissembling jerk?
TB: Let me be clear about this and how I feel about…
HE: Poodle of the Yankee military complex?
TB: Decisions had to be made. Let me make something perfectly clear at this juncture…..
HE: Conniving political hack who lied to a nation?
TB: Let me be….
HE: Now, your personal life…
TB: Let me be clear. I am just a normal married guy, an average Joe.
HE: …who shows up at Wendy Deng’s house for a weekend?
TB: You mean the former wife of Rupert Murdoch who is now married to Mick Jagger’s ex-wife?
HE: You just about hit the bullseye there, Mr Average Joe.
HE: While we’re at it….just why did you stop the UK’s Serious Fraud Squad investigation into the multi-million pound BAE bribery scandals in Saudi Arabia over dubious arms deals?
TB: Well, I do have a record of serious fraud, so I know a thing or two about this and let me…
HE: Antoine, always a groove. Thanks.
TB: Better make the appearance fee in cash, if you don’t mind.
HE: Consider it done.
TB: End of the week?
HE: I’ll talk to accounts ASAP.