Howard Elston, our Midlands correspondent in sun-scorched Engerlund with another fantastic soaraway exclusive from the international world of Birmingham media.
The epoch shaking broadcasting company City TV, which will change the shape of the flatscreen forever, tonight confirmed it will re-locate as of this week. It will open a studio in Damascus after failing to find a fixed location in Birmingham two years after copping the latest broadcast licence for Britain’s second city.
A source from the new station told me over a diet Lilt and a bag of soggy chips wrapped in a crumbled expenses form: “We searched high and wide in the tri-city area of Birmingham, Wolverhampton and that other place whose name I forgot to find space to transmit. But 24 months is just not enough time.
“So we are packing our suitcases,make-up kits and poxy laptop shoulder bags we were given from some second rate media conference in Redditch and opening shop in the Syrian capital. There, we will lift the lid on local news that will really mean something to our Damascene viewers – like school fetes, Brownie gala days, amateur Irish dancing competitions and secret assassination squads roaming the bazaars of this great city.
“Damascus is such a vibrant town with a nightlife like no other Mid East city in flames.”
“But,” the unnamed source added, “we just won’t be filming news from the urban areas. Not on your nelly. We will also be tracking arts, sports, the lighter side of internecine war and social trends from the countryside too, such as tractor-pulling competitions from Homs, underwater volleyball from Aleppo and ISIS-sponsored rock festivals from Palmyra.
“It is time that the people of Syria got the TV they deserve. As will the TV-watching public of Birmingham who have yet to see a hint of a cue card of our presence after our top management team, for three years, have relentlessly, tirelessly and selflessly trawled the free receptions, smorgasbords and endless breakfast meetings of the corporate world drinking warm wine, gobbling acres of vinegar Pringles and talking to clueless people in suits who know zip about tv.”The insider added that Syrian hardman Bashar al Assad has already handed out a major loan for the city centre admin offices.
“Now the two year hunt for studios will begin. Damascus, we have you in our telly-sights,” he added as he pocketed another handful of roasted peanuts.
Phil, a used chemical weapons specialist from Yorkshire and a confirmed tv obsessive commented as he watched another compilation of Supermarket Sweepstakes: “Where does that Dale Winton get those snazzy suits? I can’t wait for City TV to launch in Birmingham and Damascus. Actually, I really can’t….as I am 86 years old, have had a quadruple heart bypasses, seven knee replacements and don’t have long to live.”
The views of Sir Howard Elston do not reflect the opinions of this website because we think City TV is just great…it says here in my press statement plucked out of thin air.