Our sports editor Howie ‘The Man’ Elston gives the inside scooperoo on the must-see Tournament of the Decade.
Thailand will meet Ukraine this summer in the International Riot Finals held in the jungles of the Amazon, following stunning last gasp victories by both teams in the semi-final knockouts.
The Asian champs, noted for their impeccable use of loudhailers and facemasks, will face tough opposition from their East European rivals who use a 4-4-2 flying wedge complete with metal poles and impenetrable Slav rhetoric to dominate their division.
But it’s promising to be a corker of a final according to our expert Bill from Tyneside, who also runs a highly successful weight watchers clinic based in Basketcase-on-the-Wall.
Speaking through a translator who explained what the Geordie is saying, he opined: ‘Ukraine will be gritting their revisionist teeth in this tough Thai tie.’ he said ‘When you watch the Bangkok rioters on tv, their usage of subtitles is impressive.’
‘Plus they are persuasive against a real bunch of greedy thugs and their parasitic families who run the country.’
‘The Ukraines, though, have a good array of Cyrillic banners that can only spread fear throughout any bench. And they all look like they came second best in an axe fight. Tough hombres. And hombrettes too.”
One weakness for the Thailanders is their long airflight from their proposed base in Rio to the stadium 12,000 miles up the Amazon River. Another flaw is that the stadium has not been built yet.
The showdown is scheduled to begin at 02:00 BST on 15 June but the kick-off time could be changed if Sky Sports request a more palatable start time for viewers in Bangkok and the bars of Phuket.
`Thai manager Satyam Turendot said: ‘Our team is ready.. We spent this month trying to invade government offices for no reason whosoever. And we chant empty phrases with the best of them.’
And Kiev based Ukraine headman Vidor Gobetween comments: ‘We showed the Russian puppet bosses that we can come in with the violence at anytime and push poison into the veins of our opposition.’
‘Plus, we’re off to the Gulag if we don’t win.’
Reigning champions Greece have had to pull out because no one can afford the bus fare to Rio. England felll by the wayside because 10th ranked Australia called them horrid names.
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