The Elston Files

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We publish today a harrowing tale of woe as Sir Howard Elston – Financial Advisor to the Stars – explains how he struck a compromise to retreat from the brink of cliche to settle a debt to pull himself together and return to normal, escaping the hell of fiscal neuroses. Here is his exclusive tale:


Yes, I admit. My household affairs were in turmoil (writes Sir Howard). But now, after weeks of domestic wrangling with the wife, Chloe-Paisley, I have finally signed a budget deal to pay off the £12b debt my household owes.

For all that time, we have had to make do with hardly anything. The 8 litre Audi TT  stood in the drive, the B&Q 12 burner BBQ  with matching Lidl zircon-tipped  implements lay untouched, the jewels had been stuck in hock and CP and I made daily visits to KFC to rummage through the garbage and then over to Moneybags UK for a payday loan.

And all that time that our kids remained in the pawn shop because we borrowed so much, the drone attack missiles gathered dust in the shed, and the bailiffs had booted in the door of Casa de Howard and grabbed  my off the shelf Microsoft XL hacking devices I used to legally spy, as a community effort, on my neighbours as they trolled the adult sections of the ‘net.

We were skint and the devil was at the door- Chloe Paisley tearing at her hair extensions, the Labradoodle howling at the moon and the kids’ ponies hardly even touching their muesli. But now the home finances have been put back in shape thanks to Obama-care.

It is the new NHS quango scheme that grabs broke millionaire journalists like me and sorts us out. Chloe Paisley said to me this morning over toast and saffron-encrusted apple butter: ‘I’m so happy. Maybe tomorrow we can re-possess the kids from the hock shop.’

Well, maybe not yet, honey, but things are looking brighter.

Obama-care allowed us to settle the  £12b debt ceiling  just 24 hours before the the local branch of MoneyQuick R US said it would exhaust its ability to throw newly minted banknotes at us at the agreed 237% pw rate and would ‘send some boys around to collect.’

And with our specialist advisor, Dickie Branson, paying a visit 3 times week to steer us back to normal, we can look forward soon to paying no tax and living on a Caribbean island.

Phil, a second hand car dealer from Leeds who used to be a trillionaire,  said: ‘Never borrow what you can’t afford. That’s why my zero percent Clios are flying off the foreskin…errr, the forecourt’

Are you a millionaire in debt? Try Obama-care. Speak to your doctor for an appointment. or better yet, just pop into Moneybags R US for more information

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