FACT: Cycle Druggie to Take Part in Third Presidential debate

Howard Elston reports


from HOWARD ELSTON, our international diplomatic correspondent,  who likes to write his name in capitals

Dateline:  Washington

I write this exclusive deep within the bowels of the Pentagon, that six sided monolith that houses the world’s most powerful people.

I can reveal here that  Lance Armstrong, the athlete who taught the world how to pump illegal dope into your body as you free-wheeled down a 1:3 hill, will be a surprise third guest in tomorrow night’s must-win Presidential debate.

He will join top Prez Barack Obama and Mitt Romnesia. Major topics to be discussed include, Iran, the economy and the best way to hold a syringe at 55mph in a strong to gusty wind.

TV producer Andy McAleer told me over a Bud and day old  nachos: ‘We think Mr Armstrong will give us an independent view on the great issues that plague our nation.’

‘Many people think we are simply a country that enters a sovereign state inside the nose of a drone attack plane; others see us as innocents abroad with a backpack; and to  others, we are the culture that digests 8lb  hamburgers.”

‘We’ll show them we are all of these- dressed in red while and blue.’

Mr Armstrong’s people told my people, over a Schlitz and some roasted peanuts, that Lance did not at first want to participate. ‘He never used drugs in his life’ they said.

I put it to them whether Mr Armstrong has anything to add about Iran or the  the flailing economy.

‘He never used drugs in his life. This is a scurrilous calumny circulated  by  the Taliban.’

Nigel, a political analyst from Tyneside,  said:  ‘Whay hey, the lads..I’m jes’ oot for a pedal in… like… those Cheviot Hills, like. I’ll be passing the  Lance Armstrong Memorial Pharmacy afore I hit the countryside, like.’