Our Howard Goes UnderGround to Report on the Inside Story of The Clarkson Affair

Our top man Howard Elston has been undercover for the past  three nights as a member of the 3rd Battalion of the Jeremy Clarkson Hit Squad. Here is his amazing dispatch on this evil brood.

For the past 72 hours, (not including meal breaks), I have witnessed the inner workings of the Jeremy Clarkson secret death squads.

I have seen men in white hoods with flaming torches as they marched on public sector neighbouhoods.

I have seen with my own eyes as they secretly swore on holy books their promise to carry out inhuman acts in order to save bank accounts, their four wheel drive SUVs and their right to read The Daily Mail.

And I have seen little babies, draped in dreaded miniature hooded costumes, their elfin bodies held aloft as they were goaded to bay for justice and execution.


Our Man Filing His Secret Report

On the first night, after using the password (Top Gear), I was allowed into a midnight rally in a wine bar linked to a suburban golf club. There, they rose as one as Bavarian beer hall songs were shouted and a Mussolini look alike contest was conducted in a side room. One hooded neophyte, ready for induction, told me: ‘It’ll be great once we get underway.’

‘Then we can release ourselves from the shackles of democracy and get down to the business of really sorting out the workers. I mean, who needs teachers, nurses, rubbish collectors and bus drivers?’

On the second night, a large clown-like figures, hooded, his fat belly leaking over his jeans, roared on to the stage in an overlarge Hummer to deliver his main speech. He said he is paid more on a post dinner speech than a poorly paid council worker gets in a year.

‘And ‘ he declared, ‘that gives me the right to call for The Culling.’ He shouted this fanatically fearsome rant above the resounding noise of the North Korean national anthem. And I knew at that moment that if I was found out to be an undercover reporter, I would have been in mortal danger.

(to be continued)

+Howard Elston will send more  undercover reports later this week…if he can. The author and the website owners wish to point out this is a joke.

You can follow a discussion on Clarkson on the ReStirred Forum here