Our diplomatic correspondent HOWARD ELSTON says the legal system is to be rocked to its very foundation by a new campaign in the wake of…well, everything.
David Cameron is set to change the whole structure of criminal laws after a group of high powered celebrity Brits have said the legal system in the UK is wrong and stacked against them.
He is believed to have talked to his Attorney General as well as chief constables from all around Westminster and the Cotwolds to see how the legal process can be radically altered.
A Downing Street spokesman said: ‘The rich and influential are at a loss. Too many are being questioned by honest policemen and this is worrying.’
The new policy follows a powerful e-digital cyberwebworld campaign by a group of people that are facing or may face charges. They are believed to include Rebekah Brooks (a reporter) Andy Coulson, (unemployed,) Lord Archer, (pulp fiction writer and ex con) Lord Lucan (missing in action), Mr Charles Brooks (Eton, Oxon), John Terry (man who kicks footballs) and a swathe of MPs who decided they were too busy to take up their Parliamentary seats this session because of the burden of claiming dubious expenses.
In a joint statement placed on their interweb WWW site, the aggrieved group said: ‘We believe the laws in the UK are unfair. They legislate against the rich, powerful and decent citizens of this great nation of ours who are close to government and its politicians.’
‘There must be one law for us and another for others. It is only fair.’
It goes on: ‘We are also dismayed about how our families and friends are being dragged into this. In our professional lives, we would never do anything like that.’
‘Many of us have great responsibilities plus race horses and have found we cannot carry out our duties with this sword of Damocles hanging over us. It is shameful.’
And it continues: ‘We believe it is deplorable that many of us suffer from the jackboot of democratic laws that blindly rule who is to be indicted, criminally charged or arrested simply because the sheer weight of evidence demands it.’
‘We also are aghast that police seem to be influenced by the rule of law.’
Cameron: drinks at 4
A Downing Street spokesman said: ‘Of course, we are all in this together. And we must respect the opinions of all of us. The great people of this Big Society must have law and therefore anyone who knows any person in the Cabinet is free to mention this burning issue the next time we meet for luncheon.’
‘We will be holding a major conference this summer on the yacht of an unnamed Russian thug to hash out the details of this great plan to ensure the rich and powerful are no longer prejudiced against when it comes to law.’
Mr Cameron was not available. He was out training his thoroughbreds, You’re Nicked and its mare It’s A Fair Cop. A horse riding companion said it was drinkie-poos at 4 and then he would be making a personal statement himself.
Nigel, a law expert from Tyneside said: ‘We in the North hate anyone south of Hartlepool. Let ’em hang. Anyone for a tab and a pint of Newcastle Brown?’
