Sir Howard Elston, our literary editor, reports on his exclusive memoir of the Yank prez.

My agent is proud to announce the imminent publication of thr untold story of my life long buddy Donnie Trump (writes Lord Howie Elston, MVP). We grew up together, laughed together, prayed together and matured together as soul to soul blood brothers.

Now it’s time to unveil the past  and our times as pals. The no-holds-barred, gloves-off memoir will reveal:

• my childhood with Donnie as we machinegunned water rats in the urban jungles of our gated New York neighbourhood
• how Donnie, never the cleverest wrench in the toolbox, was thrown out of 54 high schools
• how he inscrutably won a place at the prestigious Ivy League University of Pennsylvania which had nothing to do with his father being a millionaire ghetto landlord
• how we joined the Marines together despite serious medical disorders and won medals at the Battle of Hasta La Vista
• how he abandoned his wild ways and did a post graduate degree in feminist ecology
• his bid to help Iron Curtain countries by continually marrying into their bloodlines 
• his dream of runnjng for the White House with Angela Davis as his running mate
• his selfless backing of The Mother Theresa Trump charity to delivery billions of dollars to out of work models and retired adult film actresses 
• and, finally, the secret fund to launch Ivanka into the White House in ’24 in order to aid the tired, the poor, the huddled masses yearning to break free.

My book will be the first behind the scenes memoir ever published to reveal Donnie’s real story except for Bolton’s pile of lies and niece Mady Trump’s knife in the back pages of deceit. It will tell The Greatest Story Ever Told. 

Phil, a plutonium magnate from Leeds and world renowned Donnie expert, commented: “This will lift the lid on how the American boss ruled with an iron fist but loved with a heart of a soft cuddly toy.”

“It’s the story of life today. It’s the story of America, the tale of a true American hero,” said Phil.