Sir Howard Elston, parasite to the stars, reports on another explosive turn of events as Theresa May steps down.<
As I squat in the lowers depths of the Houses of Parliament chained to my Ikea desk while inhaling a pack of Marlboro Lights, I can finally get the Ok from my legal team to publish the latest Explozeroo on the Weird as Weird Can Get Tory leadership battle.
I can report that a single candidate, who lawyers tell me I must not yet name today, has put a hand up and admitted: “I never took drugs”.
With the man that looks like that guy off Ghostbusters (Michael Gove) and the guy who is a walking haystack (see above) and the guy who is a walking skeleton (Rory Something) and the gal who looks like a maths teacher (Andrea Jacqueline Leadsom) and the well dressed one who whinesthrough his nose (Raab) all admitting imbibing in a snort or a smokey hit in their youth, my as yet unidentified candidate, relaxing with a 2% approval rating, told me:
“Howie, I’ve never smoked Marahoochie, grabbed a line of Bolivian marching powder or even dropped a tab of Tim Leary. I feel so ashamed. It’s a mistake, I know, but I should have spent my middle class university days out of my head on daddy’s dime listening to UB40 or the Doobie Brothers while sprawled on the floor on a dubiously stained shagpile rug.”
Many party insiders have now called for my unnamed candidate to step down. Said one: “No drugs? Fuck me and call me Reg ie Maudling”.
And another added: “Hang ‘em high. Half the party are out of their heads anyway”.
Others have also had besmirched pasts. Ultra right winger Jacob Rees-Ciderhouse was caught snorting snuff off the hem of a Somerset debutante’s ballgown; Brexit boy Nigel Farage was found launching his tongue up the innards of DJ Trump; Labour honcho Jeremy Corbyn resembles the aforesaid shagpile rug (see above) and the LibDem leader is…who? I forgot.
Straight-laced Theresa May stepped down on Friday with her husband, who suspiciously resembles Woody Allan, at her side. She will remain a Lame Duck boss until a coke-addled jerk wins the shabby race to pick a successor just in time to screw up, even more, the Brexit miasma.
Tory observer Phil from East Meon in leafy Hampshire told me: “The Conservative Party has great reserves of money for this campaign. And a basement full of grade-A mescaline. Rock on!!!!”
3 thoughts on “Sir Howard: Shock revelation in Tory leader vote”
Look, Michael Gove may well have taken cocaine but that doesn’t mean he ever inhaled it.
Haha far out as the Tory boys say
Nigel Farage anointed his eyeballs with LSD and hallucinated flying pigs… unicorns… and a shiny bright economic future for the UK outside the EU.
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