Sir Howard Elston (KMRIA), doyen of the Westminster lobby, on that all-important Russia/British sit down.

I am deep within the confines of the Japanese G20 talkfest as I complete my secret tapes of the crucial Vlad the Bad 1-2- 1 with Theresa May, lame duck extraordinaire of Blighty.

They’re meeting to hammer out vital links between the fun-loving Russian police state and dear olde Inger-lund. Here are the first clips I secretly recorded on my 16 track reel to reel after I erased my Eagles Greatest Hits bootleg. 

May: Mr Putin, a pleasure…

Putters: Gimme a double vodka with a side order of raw beetroot. 

May: Sorry, I’m the Prime Minister of Britain and…

Putters: Make that a triple and wipe down the table first.

May: My first concern is.. .

Putters: What are you again?

May: The Prime Minister of…

Putters: Where’s Boris?

Vlad the Bad

May: About the Skripal case where you okayed the mass extermination of Salisbury, I’d like to.. .

Putters: A fine city. I love that cathedral spire and all those shoppings. Where’s Trump?

May: And our trade deals must be…

Putters: Add some peanuts with that vodka. I’m in a rush, I gotta talk with The Don this afternoon about some things that gotta be done nice and quiet. 

May: So lovely to meet again and…

Putters: See you on the banks of the Elbe when we re-take Germany. And, hey comrade…

May: Yes, great Czar?

Putters: Nice job on Brexit.