Bears grab Olympic gold, reports our semi-comatose sports correspondent Sir Howard Elston. 

As the Winter Olympics come to a whirlwind end, I can reveal that the Russkies, under their mucho macho captain Vlad ‘The Bad’ Putin (ex-KGB boss), will goose-step home to the Kremlin today with a total of 342 gold medals tucked into their bearskin knapsacks.

Despite the worldwide ban on their drug crazed athletes sneaking out of Commie-land (writes an objective Sir Howard), they will see their flag raised for coming first in a galaxy of new events such as:

• MIXED DOUBLES BARREL BOMBING: The Fighting Red Stars (led by retired KGB boss Vlad) will share the podium with their Syrian team mates
• LONG DISTANCE CHEMICAL WARFARE: Top Moscow scientists take the gold for helping Damascus poison thousands
• FAKE NEWS: Bingo!! Another gold medal for infiltrating the Yanks’ internet and hypnotising gullible millions into voting for a fat clown
• GRAND SLALOM BLITZKREIG: Kremlin ski athletes grab top spot for invading Georgia, East Ukraine and bits of other nearby countries with strange names
• SPEED SKATING: Russians rush to gold and inject new hope into their veins. 
• ATOMIC CURLING: Gold again as The Red Army powers up and supplies nuclear brooms in this most dramatic of ice sports

Team captain Vlad The Bad (former KGB boss), who competed bare-chested on a white tumescent stallion in every event and himself grabbed 37 medals, said: “This proves the Russian Empire is still alive and cheating. We will not stop until we rule the Olympic World.”

Vladdie the Baddie (ex-spy)

“Next stop, our fascist police will attack everyone when we hold the World Cup Peace Games this summer in our new zircon-encrusted blood stained Gulag Archipelago Stadium.”

Phil, a second-hand car dealer from some god-forsaken place in Yorkshire and a Commie commentator, opined: “Bring it on Vlad (ex-KGB boss). Our English boys are heading for the football pitch this summer and, if we can actually make it down the airplane steps without falling over, we’re coming to get you.”