Sir Howard Exclusive: Trump shutdown shock

From Sir Howard Elston, sitting in his US underground nuclear bunker somewhere beneath  Das Capital.

The United Snakes is in a full emergency mode today as President Donald Trump went into total shutdown. (scrawls Sir Howard).

The blond haired bombshell politician and four times bankrupt was spotted by army helicopters standing still as a statue in the Rose Garden of the White House. “He’s frozen,” chopper pilot Capt Joe Pepitone commented.

“Rigid as a rigid thing in the National Museum of Rigidity,” added Secret Serviceman Stormy Daniels. “He resembles a big fat bowl of vanilla jelly with two beady little piggy eyes poking out.”

“Even his hair job is cemented into rigor mortis.” said a tourist from Podunk, Somewheres-ville. ‘He’s got that lousy stained red tie on and that belt cinching in his 58 inch waist’ observed another. 

A spokesthing for the West Wing said: “Our latest indication is there is total stasis in the government. The president would not compromise when it comes to immigration and says no American must ever use marriage to allow a East European or Balkan foreigner to live within our blessed borders.”


  “Mr Trump will remain in lockdown” continued the West Wing spokes-thing, “until a new law is passed forbidding this. And his wife and former wife are right behind him.”

The government has warned that no federal workers nor White House staff will be paid until the Trump Shutdown has ended. The Senate Leader, whose name I forgot but who has a squeaky voice, warned: “Trump must get back on form and continue his role as dickhead-in-chief. Only then can the administration return to a normalcy mode situation of fucking things up.”

Phil, a noted Trump-watcher and a damn fine second hand car dealer from Jersey City, added: “Will our prez ever get out of neutral and slam pedal to the metal? This is no time to shut down, what with the Superbowl coming up and all. By the way, these Suburu SUVs are flying off the forecourt. C’mon down…”