Sir Howard Elston, six times voted Yugoslavia’s top Balkan male model, gives the latest on the Melania Trump cash crisis.

I am sitting drinking Slivovitz brandy (writes Sir Howard) as I gobble down another Serbian pig knuckle hors d’oeuvres and write this alarming story about how my countrywoman Lady St Melania Trump has been dissed by the downmarket seedy British press.

Earlier this week, the First Lady was in the firing line as she re-filed a lawsuit against the downmarket seedy Daily Mail over completely false allegations about her life previous to marrying the president, Desmond Trump. They are all false stories. Totally all lies.

Her lawyers accused the downmarket seedy tabloid’s website of trying to deny her a “once-in-a-lifetime opportunity” to profit from her position as “one of the most photographed women in the world”.

“My rights as a First Lady will be robbed. I have a right to cash in while the getting’s good,” Lady Melania told me over the weekend as she posed for a Krispy Kreme cable tv advert.

And she added: “Not only do I love the double dip chocolate doughnut but so does my husband Delbert who is, like, the president of America,” as she licked a dot of coconut cream from her full lips.

Derek and Melania

Dame Melania, who was beatified by the Trump Foundation at a secret Alpine hideaway near Lake Bled bristling with armed security, works constantly for charity in the fashion, jewellery and catering industry where she donates literally hundreds of pennies a year in helping poor kids who can’t enjoy Krispy Kremem doughnuts every day or enjoy the simple pleasures of a limo ride to their inner city schools.

“Even their parents suffer as they have to wear off-the-peg clothes or buy from shopping  channels,” she explained, close to tears.

Mrs Trump is seeking damages of $150 million (£120 million) from the downmarket seedy Mail.

She went on; “My loss of earnings as the president’s wifelette is large. Now I will be hit even worser than Derek,” she confessed as she discreetly grabbed my flute of Slivovitz and took a delicate sip. “I will be destitute and will have to depend on Damien’s meagre White House pay cheque.”

No one was available at The Daily Mail because the staff have been replaced by robots.

Phil, a well known car salesman from Leeds and a Melania-watcher commented tersely: “Leave our lass alone. Let’s stand up for Americans everywhere to allow them to stuff their bank accounts  as they wish. I mean, that’s what we call  freedom up here in bloody freezing cold. rainy, dismal drizzly crappy Yorkshire.”