Senor Blair on the Cuban stump

Señor Howard Elston, loyal comrade of the planet’s downtrodden, reports on the next step following Fidel’s death at 90.

I am sitting on the upper verandah of the Soclalist Hall of Holiday Inns in downtown Havana equipped with a fat cigar, a rum daiquiri and a Toblerone from the mini-fridge as I write this.

I can reveal that former ex-English bossman Tony Blair will run for Cuba’s presidential position now that island icon Fidel Castro has sadly passed away.

Señor Blair said: “As a socialist myself, I am totally suited to handling Cuba as I have had dicey contracts with some of the world’s shabbiest dictatorships and know a thing or two about repression and autocrats.”

“Plus,” he added, “As a socialist, I have a bit of time on my hands these days. Well, a lot of time actually  and Cherie is, y’know, watching me kick my heels a bit around the house and…” His voice drifts off. 

Mr Blair told me he would be asking America VP-elect Mike Pence to be his running mate in the Cuban elections. “Well, I figure, Fidel was a homophobic demagogue so Mike would be a bit of fresh air.” he said referring to Mr Pence, who is a homophobic demagogue.

The Castro boys have democratically ruled the island for 376 years on this open and free paradise island, chucking out the Mafia in 1959 and supplanting it with a freedom-loving government where all have comprehensive  health care and a high level of education so they can read all the banned books. Reigning president Raoul Castro, in particular, also instituted free swimming lessons so anyone not aligned with the island’s lifestyle can head north on a shifty raft.

Mr Blair added: “As a socialist, once elected and I become king, I will initiate, like I did in Britain, a process of private financing for all hospitals so the health service is in hock for the next 500 years.”

“Also,” he said as his eyes dulled and gazed to the middle distance, “I will re-start my identity card scheme so no one will ever forget who they are. Especially the people’s freedom-loving secret police .”

“Then I will invade a neighbouring country and basically lie my teeth off, and tell all freedom-loving Cubans that Honduras will attack in five minutes unless we build a wall.

“A very big, so beautiful wall.“

Mr Blair is currently in Kazakhstan completing a contract for anthrax nerve gas to save Britain once it leaves the EU. He was unavailable for further comment.

@sirhowardelston