Dumpy Trumpy exclusively unveils to Sir Howard Elston his plans for a 51st state after he gets clobbered in the US election.
I am sitting in Mr Trump’s underground bunker complete with signed photos of Benito Mussolini and back copies of Penthouse Magazine bookended by half-used pearl-embossed cans of Perma-Tan Klassic Orange. He is telling me about the next exciting step after the November prez vote.
“I am setting up a new state in the Kingdom of the USA,” the engaging billionaire neophyte pol explained to me.
“It’s called Trumpsylvania and, once and for all, sanity and truth will reign. It will be beautiful.”
Here is a map of where his new state will be located:
“There will be borders in my state. Big beautiful borders,” he confided to me confidentially. “And a hugemungus wall built with American steel. No Muslims, disabled people, gays, New York Times readers or New England smart asses.”
“Mexicans?” I queried.
“Of course,” he opined. “They can come in for day work.”
“Women?” I asked.
“I love women.” And the Republican candidate continued: “They’ll be allowed in on Tuesday and Thursday evenings between seven and nine during social and leisure hours when the golf courses shut.”
Mr Trump says his new state will have no trade deals with “Commie Europe, Commie Africa, Commie India or f^££@ China.”
“But Trumpsylvania will toughen ties with Russia,” he explained. “Vlad The Bad Pootin is a good friend. He helped me finalise plans for a Trumpsylvanis Gulag which will stretch from the 48th parallel down through the Louisiana swamps.
“It will be a so beautiful gulag like no other gulag that Americaland has ever seen and really bad and badder people will be housed there for re-grooving.”
The capital will be the new city of Donaldville high in the mountains over Kansas. Here is the first ever drone-photo of the clifftop eyrie where he will peer down over his subjects:
Fatass Trump will hold elections soon after his golden throne is installed, when he and his Queen are democratically crowned. First Secretary will be Sarah Palin and court jester is thought to be Rudy Gill…Rudy Guill…Rudy Gillian…the guy from New York.
This article was paid for by PERMA-TAN CLASSIC GOLD…Be a man, slap on the Perma-tan…