Our chief crime correspondent Sir Howard Elston sits down with the former Prime Minister following the damning Chilcot Report into the Iraq war.

Sir Howard Elston: Lovely to see you, Antoine. Howya doing, bro’?

Tony Blair: Let me make one thing totally clear, I am your brother, your bro’, but also the brother of all men and women on this planet and…

HE: Yes, let’s cut to the chase. Many have called you a total fuckwit for how you deceived the public over your warmongering

TB: Let me be perfectly clear, Howie. When you say ‘fuckwit’, let’s take  a look at it. Yes, I am a wit, a man with a jocular nature. And yes, if by fuck you mean sexually active and virile, I am that too. So, yes I am a virile manly funny dude. Let me be clear about that….

HE: A dissembling jerk?

TB: Let me be clear about this and how I feel about…

HE: Poodle of the Yankee military complex?

TB: Decisions had to be made. Let me make something perfectly clear at this juncture…..

HE: Conniving political hack who lied to a nation?

TB: Let me be….

HE: Now, your personal life…

TB: Let me be clear. I am just  a normal married guy, an average Joe.

HE: …who shows up at Wendy Deng’s house for a weekend?

TB: You mean the former wife of Rupert Murdoch who is now married to Mick Jagger’s ex-wife?

HE: You just about hit the bullseye there, Mr Average Joe.

HE: While we’re at it….just why did you stop the UK’s Serious Fraud Squad investigation into the multi-million pound BAE bribery scandals in Saudi Arabia over dubious arms deals?

TB: Well, I do have a record of serious fraud, so I know a thing or two about this and let me…

HE: Antoine, always  a groove. Thanks.

TB: Better make the appearance fee in cash, if you don’t mind.

HE: Consider it done.

TB: End of the week?

HE: I’ll talk to accounts ASAP.

@sirhowardelston