Sir Howard Elston – Our EU editor – with the exclusive that will rock the nation to its very Euro-foundations

Word reaches me (writes Sir Howard) where I sit in the deepest recesses of a Westminster watering hole that England will leave the tempestous Euroworld within the end of the month.

With the referendum to decide our Euro-Future only a fortnight away, the English football team tonight declared: “Yes, we’re fat, unskilled and deeply flawed as a team. We’re leaving.”

‘We’re out of the Euro-Cup even before the finals in France begin.’

The English team is now training as it prepares for its first match against Russia’s dope cheats this coming weekend. But an inside source said: “We’re the original Brexit Bunch. We’re back on the bus by the end of the week. Back to Blighty where the everyone has lousy teeth, where Farage is our cut-rate Trump and where everyone is a moaning whingy slob.”

England team as they prepare to leave Europe …quickly

The Brexit Boys are keen to kick off the Group B opener against the Commies with Danny Rose at left back (which he won’t see happening as  he’ll be on the Blighty  Bus Express to the Channel Tunnel  after 90 minutes). There could also be five Spurs players in the opening line-up which would represent the income of a whole swathe of Central American countries if all the stars’ obscene salaries are added up.

“The players will vote Leave with their football boots,” said a long term onlooker as he fingered the outlines of an inscrutable tat on his bare red-as-a-lobster belly. “And they’ll be signing on with Farage United by the end of June.”

Phil, a second-hand car dealer from Yorkshire and a soccer fan since he was knee high to a copy of the Sun, added: “The England football team knows that the Leave campaign is the right choice. Better to fuck off home to Britain with our tails between our shorts than to allow immigrants to buy our sovereign seven figure Thames-side flats or  8 figure mock-Tudor shitehouses in Surrey.

“And as for our free health service which our boys never use because they’re insured up to their jockstraps for Harley Street conmen, we just can’t have any scroungers using our hospitals. The welfare state is for our own scroungers.“

@sirhowardelston

This website wishes to disassociate itself from Sir Howard’s crass opinions as his article is a cheap imitation of many better informed jokes about the English team and the referendum