Sir Howard Elston, our sport editor, gives us the rundown on the latest match ups in the Euro Crap.

As our Lovely Queen somehow manages to crowbar two birthdays out of her busy calendar, sources within Buck House tell me she is glued to her 24 inch Bulgarian made flatscreen with a tin of Carlsberg Xtra and a half-crushed pack of Rothmans in hand to take in the football over in Froggieland (writes a totally openminded Sir Howard).

Latest results show a 1-1 final as Ingerlund took on the Commies with a late chair being levelled at a Russian’s head leaving all players satisfied with a score draw. This leaves the result board showing England with 16 thugs in jail, Russia’s Commie horde with 48 in the clinks of Marseilles and France (if you include their Robocop police force) with 191 disturbed people under tight supervision and nursing head injuries.

Liz2 is an avid national fan and I have been told she continually switches between BBC and Sky News mid-cigarette to view highlights of her Official Pretend 90th birthday bash, driving around in a dopey old carriage with great pictures of Our Boys valiantly throwing bottles and metal chairs in the Dunkirk spirit of the bars and cafes of Vichy France.

One onlooker who can’t be named because I am making this up told me via Skype: “An amazing result. I thought we had it in the bag. But when that Russki guy threw a kick to the head of that England punter and his toddler in the stands, I knew we had to settle for a 1-1 ending in the 92nd minute.”

A fan

A fan told a reporter, “We are disgusted by our behaviour. We looked tired and sloppy. We can do better and next time, we’ll really beat the living sh*t out of someone…anyone, in fact.”

England now take on someone else with Euro-roots as attention twitches towards Northern Ireland and its late night heroics in throwing haymaker punches at people who don’t speakie the lingo or who look like they want to illegally settle in Britain.

Phil, our Yorkshire car dealer who is also a football pundit for The Yorkshire North Moors Picayune, opined: “Ingerlund has the muscle to fight it out for the glory of our Queen. We will win the Cup in the terraces and the bars of Marseilles. Le Pen is mightier than the horde.”

@sirhowardelston

Note from the editor: Many readers are becoming increasingly alarmed at Sir Howard’s coverage from France. So, to ensure neutrality, they are henceforth all banned from reading his reportage.