Sir Howard ‘The Voice’ Elston, our road safety officer, on news from the all-singing, all-dancing Euro-front.

I am sitting with my pompoms, yellow cowboy boots and open to the navel shirt in the Green Room of the Eurovision Song Contest with news hot off the digi-thingy.

Now that Australia is officially European (e.g. read white even though the singer is Korean) with two straight appearances in the annual TV extravaganza, I can reveal that the songmeisters of the yearly bash will open its doors to more newly-found Europeans.

Speaking to me amid the glitzy drek of the all night party in downtown Sweden following Ukraine’s surprise win thanks to an inscrutable voting system, TV boss Vons den Pillowhead said: “Next year to show solidarity with the less fortunate on this beautiful planet of ours, we are widening our entry specs.

“We are asking the world’s poorest countries to make it to our shiny floor epicentre to show us what the world can offer even when you don’t have enough to eat.”

Last night: Eurovision Ukraine winners celebrate!!!!!!

“So, Benin, Malawi, the Solomon Islands, Haiti and Afghanistan, which are among the ten nations with the worst GDP on this great planet of ours, will be entertaining us…before we ship them home again.

See, we are all Europeans now. Ich bin ein Euro. We love everyone. Even the British. Even those that can’t afford weird costumes.”

Next year’s final will be held in the Donald J. Trump CasinoDome in Kiev. Security will be managed by the Haliburton Trust run by ex-Vice President Cheney now that he has been let out on day release and stopped chewing the end of carpets.

Phil, our Euro-vision specialist, commented: “I have no idea what this article is about. I was out with my good lady wife last night at the Leeds Chicken Dee-Lite All You Can Eat Buffet as it was Pensioners’ Night.”