Lord Tony Blair of Bollocksville, former king of Inger-lund, talks exclusively to Sir Howard Elston about his totally blameless role in the Iraq and Afghani wars.
I am sitting in my luxury penthouse suite in downtown Baghdad (writes Sir Howard) following a quiet tete a tete with my former El Primo Numbero Uno Tony Blair who so successfully pushed us into two Mid East wars at once.
Britain’s erstwhile chief boss, now semi-retired and a gun for hire for any dictator or psychotic political thug with blood money to spare, has told me how he constantly tours the world trying to bring peace to this, the third rock from the sun.
Sunning himself on my patio taking potshots with my AK 47 from behind my Ikea blast-shields overlooking of what remains of the Iraqi capital he said: “I am sorry, y’know, truly sorry, that I acted as a lapdog poodle for that cretinous idiot George W Bush.
“But GWB told me it would be all okay and I would get the Nobel Prize for something or other. And if not that, he would promise to make me an honorary Texas Ranger at the least and throw a giant BBQ in my name as I was led off to jail.”
Lord Blair said it was hard to apologise over the removal of Saddam, though, because after the Iraqi hard man was executed – despite Britain being against the death penalty – it became obvious that Iraq is enjoying the first gentle thrusts of a spring revolution of peace and tranquility.
“Okay, okay, there’s IsIs, the Taliban, Al Queda, Russia is sniffing around and Iran is just around the corner and I wouldn’t let any of my own kids within 10,000 miles of Iraq or that other one that has deserts and mountains. But that doesn’t mean it is a failure,” he opined as he quietly sipped a glass of Kirkuk Sauvignon and aimed a flamethrower at a road junction.
“This interview, by the way, has nothing to do with the imminent publication of the dubious Chilcot Inquiry into the Iraq wars,” he promised. “I can honestly put my hand on where my heart would have been and say if the inquiry exonerates me and my cronies, it is a magnificent step in the right direction.
“But if Chilcot lies and shows I am guilty of deceiving the electorate, then the inquiry is a total waste of public money.”
Lord Blair said he has been in constant contact with his former paymaster GW Bush. “I see him twice a week when he is off medication and visiting hours are allowed,” he offered. “He is now learning the alphabet and says he wants to learn French so he can visit Britain soon and be able to say he has seen all the treasures that Paris has to offer.”
Phil, an international expert in most things and a second hand drone dealer in Leeds said: “This proves that …well, actually, it proves nothing. But as I am on a fee for cranking up quotes to justify your vacuous articles, just go ahead and make it up.”
“By the way”, he intoned, “my drones are flying off the forecourt. Act now and you can spy on your neighbours or bomb a country of your choice.”