Dateline: A second-hand car dealership, Leicester.
The world will be glued to its 48″ flatscreens today as this sceptred isle pays its last respects to King Jeremy III, who will be interred with full royal honours.
Following his sacking from his TV show Top Crap, his body will be taken by a 1.2 diesel driven horse and carriage to BBC headquarters where his mortal remains will be laid to rest.
With tradition firmly in mind, there will be a ceremonial punching of the vicar before his coffin, carried by Dave Cameron, members of the Murdoch family and his two co-presenters (the one who resembles a scarecrow and the wee rat-like one), is taken to its final resting place.
Onlooker Phil from Leeds, a seasoned Clarkson follower, said: “It is only fitting he receives the royal farewell he deserves. His coffin will be littered with used cigarette butts and old copies of Auto Express.
“And as a member of the royal family of TV presenters, he, in a small way, was Britain at its best: small minded, racist, oafish, xenophobic, and slobbish. Adieu, Jeremy the Turd and see you on Murdoch’s garbage pit of a tv channel, Fox News.”
Watch the full ceremony on Fox News with commentary from Tony Blair, Mark Thatcher and lovely, curvy Michelle Obama.