Sir Howard Elston picks the big news story of the past year.

Without a doubt, as I sit in my eyrie with a handful of multi-coloured pills and jereboam of mash bourbon, I can say without hesitation or circumlocution that the outstanding news-thing this past year is a football strand that rocked the very foundation of the sporting world (including France).

In October, the BBC traded Jeremy Clarkson in a straight swap for alleged racist football boss Dave Whelan of Wigan.

Wigan bound

A BBC insider said: “Clarko made us dosh. But no one could control the fatty loudmouth. And what with him not saying the ‘N’ word and not referring to Burmese as ‘slopes’  and him not pissing off the Argies over the Falklands, it was time to move to new fields.”

“The boy is history. Or as we like to say at the Beeb, il est l’histoire.”

Last night Clarko was unavailable for comment as his tailor was re-adjusting his stone-washed, pre-faded, too-tight jeans so they could accommodate his blobby stomach which tends to drool over his belt.

Whelan: No racist him

Up T’North, Wigan Football Club welcomed the trade. Their owner, liberal open-minded Mr Dave Whelan, has been fined £50,000 and is banned from football for six weeks for making abusive remarks about Jewish people and the Chinese. He said in a statement that yes, he made the comments. But no, they were not racist. But yes, he stood by his remarks. But no, he is not a racist. And yes, he always says what’s on his mind. But he is no racist (his statement goes on for 8, 500 more words and the full content is available on davewhelanisnotaracething.co.uk)

Wigan admitted it almost lost Clarkson in the deal. A spokesmouth said to me as he sipped a brown ale Mackeson’s stout beer, ale, lager liquid and munched on a jereboam of pork scratching: “The BBC really wanted Mario Balotelli after the Liverpool striker’s fantastic end of the year race faux pas on Twitter when he re-posted an anti-Semitic image. He felt attrition… because he got caught.”

Or him either

Super Mario claims his step-mother is Jewishand this familial bond will aid his journey to learn more about worldwide ethnography. He has been fined £25,000 for not being racist.

Jeremy Clarkson, son of the manse, has never been fined even though he and his supine production staff have let through racist garbage and uninformed dead stupid comments bordering on the insane on final edits of the show. His two pals on his popular brain dead Daily Mail-munching show Car Go Fast Around The World, Hammy and Twatty, would not comment.

@sirhowardelston