Another exclusive report by Sir Howard Elston from a 19th hole bar somewhere in the blessed Home Counties
The UK Independence Party said today it will get back to true British values by banning all modern beat music that is not in tune with a real Britain.
Farrago: ‘devil’s music’
Lord Nigel Farrago, the party boss, told me as we downed another Gilbey’s with a slice of lemon (not from Spain): “Rock and roll is the devil’s music and every god-fearing Brit knows that except for the bloody Scots, the bloody Welsh and those bloody others across the Irish Sea that someone told me about. Yes, and also the bloody Lancastrians who I never really trusted anyway.’
“It wastes the talents of all the unemployed,’ he went on, ‘who could be utilised in a back-to-work welfare programme designed to pressgang them into zero-hours contract road repairs or working at a call centre in Tyneside.’
‘Plus, there is a lot to be said to stop all foreign influences damaging what is left of our island’s artistic endeavours.’
‘I have spoken to Sir Mick and Lord Geldof about this policy move and they say they back anything to make Britain great again that protects their overseas tax havens.By the way, mine’s another Gilbey’s, thank you very much.’
Continuing, Farrago added: “I do love music and I think George Formby has a lot of lessons to give our youth. And Cliff too, though his origins are a bit uncertain.”
Immediately, Tory boss David Cameron weighed in: “I am a great U2 fan because all the band members are rich. But UKIP has a point. There is just too much body movement music going on and that means no one is actuality working on a Friday night.”
And Libdumb leader Nick ‘Pastyface” Klegg added: “Yeah, whatever our Dave says is good with me as long as I can keep my grubby mangy lapdog claws on the greasy reins of illusory power. Kill all rock musicians. Bring back the gibbet. And bomb someone in Syria.”
Sheeran: banned
Her too: banned
Lou: Yeah, him also
Bjork: foreign influence
Labour supremo Red Ed was on the phone to his brother when this website asked for a statement and was not available. A spokesthing said: ‘In a this-moment-in-time kind of situation, as it were, the leader is in a non communications interface with the media, like as it were.’
Political expert Phil, a soon to-be-retired second hand car dealer in some god-forsaken spot Oop North, commented in a comment-y kind of way because he’s on a fat retainer from BBC Leeds: ‘Lord Nigel got ‘em running. Whew, what a scorcher. And grab those three door Clio hatches before I pack up and sell the lot to some Russian.”
