Sir Howard Elston, our man on the diplomatic spot, with the latest from the world’s crisis zone.
Crimean politico leaders from around this former Soviet region have told me in hush-hush, top secret, behind closed doors chitchats today that they will join Scotland if both countries vote to go it alone
Its de facto hardman boss Alexei Salmondfaceovich told me in an on-the-record, exclusive interview while sipping malt vodka in a solid golden bathtub: ‘We would create a Hiberno-Crimean bloc that will kowtow to no one, have its own currency, kick out the corrupt British banks and the Russo-Ukrainian oligarchs and set up talks immediately with Lord Donald Trump to make the Black Sea and the North Sea big time golfing enclaves.’
‘As for defence, Scotland would grab the British imperialist nuclear fleet based on Loch Bagel, which is composed of 2 rather nifty submarines and a small and versatile fleet of coastal trawlers and we would chip in with the Black Sea Russki fleet parked in our harbours.’
The twinning plan was immediately criticised by Dave, the PM of Enger-lund who said:
‘Don’t do it, Crimea, or else Britain will become a swamp off the coast of Euro-land. We must stay together.’
Later, Our Dave told me in a tiptop hush-hush behind closed doors chinwag:
‘Scotland should remain part of the UK and Crimea should remain part of whatever country is down there.’
petrified
“Individually we love both cultures. We need Scotland because we always beat them in football and rugby . And Crimea plays a major role in anyone reading The Charge of The Light `Brigade.’
Comrade Salmondfaceovich commented via his website, cybermail.russ: “Crimea and Scotland have a lot of things in common, though we can’t think of any right now.’
Philovichski, a second-hand Skoda dealer from Leeds and a Russo-expert, said from his Yorkshire forecourt: “Let Crimea go it alone with Haggisville.. We don’t need them anyway so let’s charge into the valley of death when it comes to international politics.’
“By the way, can I recommend our retro Moscva four wheel drives offroads? They make any girl’s balalaikas ring and shout. And there’s 20% off if you can sing the Internationale in Georgian.”
@sirhowardelston
Have been pondering the analogies here myself. What if….. Scotland goes ‘home alone’, and Corby, in Northamptonshire, then decides to be part of Scotland ?? Ever been to Corby? Tennents lager, Iron Bru and Daily Record all round, Strathclyde adrift of its moorings.
They might ask Salmond’s navy to blockade Corby’s harbour, to protect the interests of ‘his own’, but his own who don’t have a vote in the referendum. Do drip-feed your readers with more on this nationalist, vote-rigging knobhead.