SIR HOWARD ELSTON  reports from his pull-out sofa bed in a Travel Lodge suite on the outskirts of the Sochi Evil Empire Industrial estate

Britain is ready to raise the Union Jack over the Russian steppes as Brits sweep the boards in the Winter Olympics.

In Underwater Volleyball, Team UK copped bronze after being narrowly beatren 221-2 by cheating, drug pumped generic East Europeans. Frances Gumm, captain of the mixed doubles, said: “It was like awesome and really insane to like win like a medal here in Bulgaria.”

In Manslaughter Hockey, Archie Leach was thrown out of the match against the Boys Under-12 Team Seychelles  on two counts of murder after leading in the  knockout  qualifyng  round.   Hitman Arch said: ‘It wasn’t me that done it. it was the big boy down the road.’

” Plus all those East Europeans were cheating and they all want to live in America anyway.”

Top athletes

In Mixed Doubles Ice Wrestling, Team UK had to postpone their entry when their Ryan Air Flight wrongly landed in Cechnya and was machine gunned by Russian army sharpshooters from the ski pentathalon squad. Three Brit athletes have joined rebels defending what remains of Grzyyynia, the capital, and the others have now found re-employment as heroin mules over to Kazihkstsni underworld markets.

Team coach, Packy East, commented: “It shows shows how well we do when the chips are down and not frying. All the lads and lasses have found new careers in commerce…mine’s a spoonful of Afghani to go please.”

In Uphill Skating, Jim Bumgardner grabbed a bronze after holding the lead  scoring 87.25 points in his second  attempt. He was clipped at the post, though, by 1254 other competitors,   and was summarily shot by the coach.

And finally in Gulag Tennis, Karen Stafford-Jones grabbed silver with the help of a wire cutter and a handmade grenade launcher. ‘I coulda won gold but those cheating East ….’

(the rest of the quote has been terminated by Russian communications systems engineers)

So, it’s been a whirlwind first week here in Sochi. More medal are expected later  if we’re not arrested and held in Siberia with Greenpeace.

Phil from Leeds, a car dealer and skiing expert, commented “My heart beats proud. I  can always tell a Brit in these winter games because they are the ones wearing a green anorak, a wooly hat and Thinulite gloves from Lidl. By the way, my four wheel Dacias are flying off the forecourts. Buy now.”

@sirhowardelston