Senior Tory bosses have revealed that no news is breaking on the political front, our Westminster reporter Sir Howard Elston reveals

Speaking to me in a hush hush, top secret behind-closed-doors 121 interview situation facility, a senior party member said to me exclusively: ‘It’s the bank holiday coming up, it’s getting warm, the wysteria needs pruning in my Cornish love nest hideaway and, basically, we have no ideas.’

And he added, with a carafe of white neatly perched on his Homebase Kwality outdoor garden table (£79.99 online), ‘As for those local vote thingies this Thursday, let UKIP have the councils. Who bloody well needs ’em anyway?’

‘That’s why we gave Fatty Pickles the job of dealing with those bozos who couldn’t find a Parliamentary seat if it loomed up and bit ’em on the arse.’

This means that for the next five days, the only news to leak from the government will be crumbs from the environment table, a paean or two about a recently deceased entertainer/forgotten politico/ sports hero or a picture of  Dave (PM/England)  out picking flowers with his family.

The Tory boss said he respected UKIP supremo Nigel Farage on the QT. But added: ‘The problem is his last name sounds like something Terry Thomas would have said in those hilarious 1950’s comedies when movies were funny. As in: ‘I say, old thing, a bit of a farage over Priscilla not going to the races, what?”

‘Oh, by the way,’ the spokesman added: ‘I nicked that off Twitter from someone who actually is funny.’

Phil, a long time UKIP support and a second hand car dealer from Leeds, commented: ‘I like local government elections. It gives us a feel for the lifeblood of what was once our cities.’

‘And check out those VW Tourans- great for the family.’

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