Helping Out
Underworld king Tony Soprano digs deep to help his native New Jersey get back on its feet. This amazing report from our crime reporter Howie ‘Uncle Donuts’ Elston (DOA)
The state of New Jersey, hit hard by the US hurricane, received a boost today when Tony Soprano, the mega millionaire waste disposal king of Newark and organisation boss for the tri state area, promised a billion dollar cash injection into recovery work.
Mr Soprano, whose definition of death duties relates to his underworld responsibilities, said he and his lieutenants including Syl, Christopher and Paulie Walnuts, will oversee demolition of shoreline communities destroyed by the storm and then finance the rebuilding programme.
‘I saw the President when he came to see that fat guy with the big tush.’ Mr Soprano said outside Porkies Sausage Factory. ‘ I told the man it’s strictly business. I spoke with Little Joey, Big Fingers Mike and, also, The Tang from our Chinese contacts, and we’re gonna help out all of Jersey.’
Mr Soprano also announced he is immediately selling his top nightspot, The Badda Bing, to raise cash.
Mr Soprano at a Newark press conference this morning.
His plan, called Operation Sinatra, will begin tomorrow when he fences off Atlantic City and sends in dumper trucks owned by his waste disposal company to find a safe place for the cash left in the gambling casinos.
And he has hired top lawyer Eddie Burke, known as The Silver Fox, to ensure all is legally watertight. Other state luminaries, such as Bruce Springsteen and Joe Pesci, have said they will help out. Rock and rock supremo Bruce said: ‘I’m a working class blue collar Born in the USA king of millionaire. And I’ll do what Tone says.’
Mafia analyst Dave ‘The Man’ Shuttleworth from Lancashire said: ‘There is a collusive bi lateral dis-connect relationship between big money and the underworld. I know these things because I have all five series of The Sopranos on DVD.’
