Laurence Inman on the deceased popular showman – and others!

So, Sir Jimmy Savile, it turns out, was not a tedious old twat who talked drivel for a good living he made out of my licence fee but a scumbag nonce of the very first water who systematically soiled and besmirched the flower of England’s fair maidenhood in exchange for a few blurred black-and-white seconds standing next to him and grinning on the telly. Only one punishment is fit for such a filthy toe-rag – he should be hung up by his little toes, fed rat entrails for a year and then hewn asunder from the crotch downwards with a circular saw set on Very Slow.

But the smirking little gold-lame-clad tosser is dead. One can only hope that God in His infinite wisdom has now seen sense and cast his soul into the uttermost depths of Hell, where the buzz-saw never rusts and rodent gizzard is always on the menu. One must also question the Almightyness’s judgement in the first place and ask how many more saints and angels the papers will find out to be in fact unspeakable bastards before we start getting proper news after the summer break. I hope that Mr Cameron orders the exhumation of his putrid remains so that they can be chopped up and buried at every important crossroads in the land or distributed to pensioners to be fed to their cats as a warning to others.

In the meantime there are statues to smash, knighthoods to rescind, plaques to spray-paint, names to remove from lists of the good and worthy and memories to adjust.

Here’s my top ten list of famous dead people whose private lives might not stand too close an examination in my view.

1 Sir Ernest Rutherford

2 Sir Lord Palmerstone

3 Sir Florence Nightingale

4 Sir Francis Drake

5 Sir Donald Duck

6 Sir Anthony Eden

7 Yoooor boys took a beating!

8 Sir! Sir! Stop hitting me with a bamboo cane!

9 Sir Fing USA

10 Hitler