HOWARD ELSTON reports on a shock decision by the Coalition

Sources from the deepest entrails of Whitehall have confirmed to me exclusively that the government is to rent out  Nick Clegg at the lowest possible  tariff rates to boost flagging popularity.

David Cameron, the leader of England and also Prime Minister, told a secret meeting of his inner Cabinet  that the urbane and two faced Clegg had to be used more efficiently and become more accessible.

Lower digestive tract

‘There are simply too many bands of rental rates for public utilities.’ he roared at his private club where the hush-hush tiptop secret get-together was held.

‘I want everyone to enjoy Nick and his funny brand of honesty.’

I make this policy change of lower tariffs without talking to my inner cabinet, special advisors, the whole of Whitehall or industry experts.’

‘That is my way. I really have no idea what I am doing.’

Currently, according to topnotch consumer  magazine Which, there are too many confusing levels of payment for Clegg, the co leader of the coalition and a man who would sell his granny in order to sniff the acrid fumes of power.

Cameron went on: ‘Clegg is an asset that each and every voter (in marginal seats) should be able to afford. He is just too expensive and too  complicated for too many.’

‘Until we  dump him, we have to keep our hands right up his lower digestive tract.’

‘Now…’ he added as he slapped another 6  bottles of Bollinger on the table, ‘Off to the hounds at Bullingdon Hall Point to Point.’

Jim, an American jurist who knows a bit about UK political system because he reads  BBC online, added:  ‘Sorry…what’s a Clegg?’