Howard: New Clarkson survey reveals Britain is dumb – and that’s official

elston2-logo25Sir Howard Elston revels the contents of a shocking new poll.

A new survey out today shows 600,000 people are thick and believe television is important (Sir Howard writes).

Bring him back

‘A matter of principle…’

They all want suave debonair Lord Jeremy Clarkson, pal of the PM, back on his gripping exciting car show.

The mega star, famous for his top-rated programme and his stonewashed jeans which are a bit too tight, has been suspended over allegations that he thumped his producer in a food row over how much salt was spread on his hand-fashioned chips. Clarko was quoted as saying it was a matter of pride and principle and he had to take a stand.

The vote was set up by the independent survey company FaragePoll.

It shows that 112% of all men and women over the age of six want the tv personality back on the nation’s 48” flatscreen discreetly dispensing his thoughtful apercus and quoting Blaise Pascal and Graham Norton as he wheels around the world on tax-funded expenses polluting the planet and annoying the globe’s population.

The poll also showed that 63% thought Clarkson was the king of Britain; 12% thought he should never wear stone washed jeans with his shirt tucked in; an overwhelming 76% believed he went to bed with curlers to get that really wired look on his pate; and, 2% thought he was either Burmese or Mexican.

A spokesman for FaragePoll told me over a pulled pork sandwich and a pint of warm Somerset cider topped off with a Hamlet cigar: “We independently wanted to find out just how popular Lord Jeremy is.”

Farrago: Pollster boss

Farrago: Pollster boss

“We used the best demographic tools available to get the results – we went into the Unicorn and UKIP gastropub in downtown Herne Bay and asked:


Would you want to see Clarko back on the tv or would you rather be burned at the stake by the nightshift at the Daily Mail?”

“The new poll will send shivers down the remains of the spine of Dave Cameron, top man in England.

He fears that The Clarkster will jump in his 3-door Clio SUV with its 1.2 bruiser of an engine and roar off and join Farage’s bonkers UKIP party and lead Enger-lund off to war against the bloody French or the bloody Germans or the bloody whoever doesn’t speak English right proper like they do at Repton School for Nobs.”

Phil, a retired poll expert from Yorkshire and a man who enjoys a pint or two himself in the presence of his good lady wife, quipped: “Jazza’s the main dood. Jazza for King of London when it pulls away from the rest of this swamp.”

The BBC refused to comment.

@sirhoward elston