The Birmingham mayoral election battle has been rocked to its very foundations with exclusive news that Our Lord– aka The Eternal One– will run for the city’s top job, writes Howard Elston (OBE).
The Holy One will take to the stump if the 3rd May citywide referendum delivers a ‘Yes’ vote next month.
‘I’m ready to roll.’ The One With No Name told me in a top secret location surrounded by a cadre of angels and fluffy white clouds. ’I got time. Time, after all, is my creation..’
In an exclusive interview with me, God warned: ‘So, buckle up. It’s gonna be a rough ride.’
‘I’m set on sending that Sion Simon back to Westminster; banish Mr Bore into years more of pointless opposition; put the heat on Mr Byrne ; give Old Mike Whitby a new haircut so he doesn’t always look like he just vacated a wind tunnel; plus, I won’t make it any easier for Gisela.’
‘And,’ The Pancreator added, ‘That £200,000 a year pay cheque that’s being bandied about don’t look like hay to me either. I really could be do with jacking up the old ISA account. ’
The deity, known as Yahweh to pals, has been known to be carefully watching the Birmingham political scene and picked the city after ruling out Newcastle, Sheffield and Bristol.
He has been following the ‘Yes Or No’ city bust up, He confided to me. And this week end will be meeting with close advisors, including, Thomas Aquinas, Jasper Carrott and Carl Chinn to go over key issues. He has also been reading St Augustine of Hippo’s popular tome ‘The City of God’ on his Kindle to catch up on urban affairs.
One crucial point these top flights experts will be analysing is Emile Durkheim’s thesis that the perception of god is an extension of human society. “Religion gave birth to all that is essential.’ the high flying father of sociology stated. The Lord’s closest allies are keeping that in mind.
Once this top team gives the thumbs up, this could really pave the way for The All Seeing Deity to throw his hat into the political ring. Birmingham, he says, has all the hallmarks of a place he wants to call his own little ‘piece of West Mids heaven.’
Initially, He explained, He went for the big time. ‘I was going to run for US President over the pond,’ He explained, ‘but all that state-to-state campaigning would have put a big dent in the old finances.’
Plus, He added, ‘those fundamentalist Christians would never let me alone. Every Sunday would be booked forever.’
‘Canada looked promising for a while,‘ he recounted ‘but what would I be in charge of if elected? Ice hockey, maple syrup, moose, Joni Mitchell music and a chip on a shoulder the size of Alberta.’
What many voters do not realise is that His love of Big Brum is no recent development. God is a well known balti fan and has been seen on Friday nights down Ladypool Road. Plus His Oneness is a Bluenose and drives a Rover 75.
‘And’ He adds with an expert celestial knowledge of rock music: ‘I’ve always been a Moody Blues fan. Love their stuff. And The Streets too. ’
In documents seen by me, it is known that The Holy One would create a citywide transport system that works so you can actually go from east to west; slap an outright ban on Londoners setting foot in the city on Tuesdays; and, stop what remains of the Birmingham Post from publishing reams of interminable junk about overpriced restaurants.
‘But the best thing…’ He chuckled to me over nibbles and a cup of Mount Sinai Red ‘…is that no one knows what a mayor will be able to do. There is no job description.’
‘It’s made for me. Just made for me.’
Follow Howard on Twitter: @SirHowardElston