Sir Howard Elston, our Royal reporter, with an exclusive that’ll rip your corgi to bits
Vlad Putin has given me access to his inner security vault and shown me proof that Her Highness Queen ElizabethII has been wiretapping the Russki leader’s iPhone.
Vlad The Bad told me over a vodka and diet Pepsi: “Liz may be the hippest tsarina in Kool Britannia, but she’s listening in on my private calls.”
He has now called for an independent non-partisan inquiry by Russia’s Secret Service which he once ran as a safeguard against Western imperialism.
Vlad went on: “All we are trying to do in the name of peace is to stem the tide of western bad asses. They want to stop the rightful peace loving Russian state from protectting millions of people and billions of roubles belonging to peace loving oligarchs and apparatchiks.
“But the West wants to know everything. And now the UN, NATO, the EU and Birmingham City Council want to use the lovely monarch for their own evil ends.”
Mr Putin now says he is ending his three year flat fee free texts contract with Apple and going over to Samsung, whose only weakness is their high tech phones keep on exploding.
“Nothing’s perfect,” said Putin.“Once Russian learns how to harness electricity and invent the plough, we’ll be making better mobile phones than the “est …or the East…or the South or… North.”
Phil, a Putin observer since his days as Brezhnev’s footstool, observed in an observant way: “Pooter’s got the British lion by the mane. He’s grabbed the Windsors, who after all are Greek and German, by the British goolies.
“And he’s right, of course. Liz should back arwff. She has no place in espionage what with her other responsibilities of being ninety, resembling Helen Mirren, doing the Tuesday afternoon tea club and opening leisure centres in appalling towns.”