Sir Howard Elston, our diplomatic reporter, fresh from incarceration in Indiana’s finest state pen, reveals the darkest secret of America’s most popular candidate
I am sending this article via fastest racing pigeon with mind-blowing news of the inner workings of the Republican front runner.
My staff has been working hard to de-code Mr Donald J Trump’s finest speeches; they have been de-constructing his most eloquent words; they have been splicing apart his bombast; they have been analysing his most arcane semiotics to find out how the Blond Bomber has been telling the Left he is on the side of the working masses.
Yes, my loyal readers, Donald J Trump is a Man of the Left
Here are the real meanings behind his oft-derided comments:
He says: “I will build a great wall and make Mexico pay…”
Real Meaning: Mr Trump is showing deep compassion for the unemployed of South Texas. A wall building programme will create jobs. And there will be external cash coming into the economy from Mexico’s taxpayers.
He says: “If Ivanka weren’t my daughter, perhaps I’d be dating her.”
Real meaning: Mr Trump brings to the stump admirable family values, wishing to show how much he revels in the American dream of a nuclear family sitting around the hearth singing gentle folk songs and playing charades
He says: “He’s not a war hero.” (Referring to American senator John McCain who was shot down over Vietnam and became a POW.)
Real Meaning: The Donald was obviously against the Vietnam conflict which forced the Vietnamese working classes to combat imperialist armies. And he was especially shocked by the bombing of the North of the country and using napalm
He says: “The right of self defence doesn’t stop at the end of the drive.”
Real meaning: The Republican poll-leader is keen to say that we shouldn’t just think selfishly of ourselves. We can use our guns to help others – the victim of crime, the vulnerable who need our succour, the poor who are trampled by the rich.
He says: “You can never be too greedy.”
Real meaning: Mr Trump is a champion of socio-economic responsibility. He cares for the state and wishes to know that only the needy should to be helped by a welfare It is good to amass money and let the tax dollar help the indigent, the homeless, the forgotten people of the States.
He says: “He’s a pussy,” playfully referring to what a fan nastily shouted when Ted Cruz’s name was mentioned.
Real meaning: Many wrongfully thought this was an offensive comment to even repeat. But actually what Mr Trump was emphasising was the American First Amendment which guarantees free speech. It is his way of harking back to the Founding Fathers and their utter belief that a person has the right to voice an opinion and how communal and frank discussion can lead to social progress among the dispossessed.
He says: “When was the last time anyone saw us beating, let’s say, China in a trade deal?”
Real Meaning: Mr Trump shows solidarity with Communism’s centralised economy and its vast superiority over the US capitalist system poisoned by greed and venality.
He says: “Barack Obama’s birth certificare is a fraud.”
Real Meaning: Mr Trump believes truth is the most vital weapon in the fight against rampant Wall Street theft, the high money rollers who steal from the working masses and the chauvinists who discriminate against subjugated women heroines of the States.