Scurrilous tabliod press stories abound today with allegations that the British Prime Minister had “intimate” relations with a pig’s head while a student.
And while insiders hide their heads within Downing Street and David Cameron tries to explain things to his family, I can reveal both Jewish and Moslem voters are asking one question: Was it kosher, was the animal blessed by the appropriate religious leader?
Pollsters say early indications are that the small businessmen class of Islamic faith Tory voters are now recoiling. And that the rock solid conservative Jewish lobby is equally aghast.
An insider at a Birmingham synagogue in central England (UK) told me: “Sir Howard, if it was blessed by the rabbi, well, anything goes. Hey, we live in a modern world.
“But I really think we got a non-kosher porker situation this time when it comes to a posh Bullingdon boy, booze and Oxford University.”
And a Moslem leader in Bradford (somewhere up north in England) commented to me in a telephonic device facility interpersonal conversation: “As long as it wasn’t shellfish.”
The sensationalist allegations come in a new biography by a Tory party rival. It claims that while a callow youth, young Dave took part in a ritual that included a pig’s head and his…well, let your imagination run riot here.
I, for one, cannot believe my Prime Minister, who has bravely won two elections, could have ever done such a thing.
It leaves me rocked to my very foundations. And it has put me off my ham sandwich that my good lady wife Chloe-Joyce has just packed for me before heading for her favourite hairstylist and an hour with Jed her personal trainer.
Professor Phil, a Leeds-based theological expert, and a dab hand with a pig himself, explained: “Politics is vicious. If Kammo had done this black Sabbath type rite with a lamb, a cow or a duck I’d say good luck to him. But a non-kosher pig? Leave it out Dave. And don’t ask for a ticket to the Passover services.”