Newsflash from California’s sun kissed coast: As I sit here with my triple White Russian and a handful of tortilla chips, news drops of the frontrunners for the Oscars- a night that all (who are invited) will remember and others (asleep in front of the tv) kinda remember in a vague way as they plan their Easter break.
Here, movie buffs, are the runners and riders:
Burned out politician Maggie Thatcher takes on a big role as she recreates the career of mimic Meryl Streep. The former PM gets the Yale University accent right and ensures fame by flashing her breasts just as La Streep did in the movie Silkwood back when she was a mere streepette. X rated and watch out for a great cameo of William Hague as a munchkin in a Tory Party panto back in ‘86
The Artist’s Silent Movie:
Jeremy Clarkson meets a real challenge as he gets his big fat crummy mouth taped to the inside of his jockstrap and plays it all without words. He is a former tv muppett who comes to the end of his career and finds he cannot talk. The world is delighted but how will he make money out of the publically funded BBC? Co-stars a guy with long hair and a midget creep-ette who’s made a mini career out of driving a car at 300mph.
To Have and Have Yacht:
A title brazenly ripped off from a UK smart ass newspaper columnist but what the hey ho..what’s the diff between blatant theft and ‘artistic license?’ The story: an unnamed Royal Family wakes up to finds a grateful slobbering nation wants to buy them a big boat so they can cruise the Caribbean, cruise the Med, cruise the South Pacific and theoretically cruise the Alps if they so wish because they are descended from God.
The Dragon with the Girl Tattoo:
Putin lookalike T. Dan Craig seeks the truth behind the disappearance of a mysterious stranger who may or may not have done something horrible to an industrialist’s niece 1000 years ago before you could even get Twitter or a decent cappacino. A short girl plays a mysterious strange creepy hacker who knows something about the mysterious stranger who…(to be con’d)
Emission Impossible- Joke Protocol
Wee Tommy Cruise plays a short Scientiologist with steroid limbs and lifts in his shoes who leads a chase to find a mysterious stranger from a Nordic country who is chasing an inevitable Swedish actress who speaks better English than 65 percent of Britain before nuclear war is declared between the free world (that’s us) and Neptune (that’s a planet).
Tinker Tailor Soldier Alec Guinness
Well, can thesp Gary Oldman, known for his crazy- as- a -loon roles, match up to former Ealing boy Alec Guinness? And can anyone figure out the plot?
Hobbit Meets Harry Potter on a Dragon with a Girl Tattoo :
Latest 3D CGI HD rollout of second rate junk from anyone who has a box of crayons handy. Plots are all the same, the funny animal/sidekick/neighbour is cynically voiced by Billy Crystal
Spielberg rips the heart out of a decent kids’ book to pour saccherine baloney into your Cineplex. Look out for horses that cry, mares that read Jane Austen and little foals that have Billy Crystal’s voice.
And that’s about it flick fans. Join me for my entertainment column next week when I’ll be getting down and dirty in the urban scene by interviewing Michael Parkinson and his secret desire to dress up and play Cinderella with a god awful Yorkshire accent even though he hasn’t gone near the county since 1976.
Until then: aloha and arrivaderci to all my readers in Germany