All criminal law is to be repealed in a major U-turn on law and order policy, the Government announced today. Legislation is to be replaced with a system of self-regulation overseen by a newly established body, the Independent Criminal Complaints Authority (ICCA).
Made up of retired lags and funded from the proceeds of last week’s national looting spree, and the drug dealing, extortion and theft of the street gangs who helped arrange it, the ICCA will robustly investigate complaints of criminal activity that it receives from members of the public and – where such complaints are upheld – will have the power to robustly force criminals to post notices apologising for their behaviour on lamp posts in unobtrusive side roads and other out of the way locations. The ICCA will even have the authority to force particularly guilty criminals to stand outside their victim’s house and apologise, though in a low voice and when everyone is asleep, so as not to disturb the neighbours.
Heralding the new policy, Home Secretary Theresa May said that robust self-regulation must be given a chance to work: “I’ve heard the siren voices of the British media this last week calling for longer and tougher prison sentences for rioters and looters, the use of water canon and plastic bullets, curfews, the curtailing of benefits, eviction from council housing and the forced removal of face coverings, but I say to those journalists, ‘Be careful what you wish for.’ In a democracy the government must think long and hard before imposing limitations on basic freedoms, such as the ability to turn over shops and rob people. We’ve shown real tolerance to the banks, energy suppliers, the big supermarkets and rail companies in this regard and now we must do the same with the rioters, looters and street gangs.”
Welcoming today’s policy shift, gobby London crime kingpin Kevin McKelnzie said that he expected most of the cases the ICCA investigated would be resolved through ‘robust’ negotiation, thus avoiding the need for expensive and time-consuming court proceedings: “While the victim may not receive compensation or see their assailant sent to prison, their complaint will be dealt with much quicker, thus allowing them to forget the whole thing.”
McKelnzie added that although aggrieved members of the public could still use legal channels, this would involve them in enormous expense and with no certainty of their winning owing to the fact that criminals and gang members could always afford better and more robust lawyers.
It is anticipated that the first Chair of the ICCA will be newly released former felon Tia Carter, a move robustly welcomed by McKelnzie. “Traci… sorry, Tia has experience of the legal system from the perspective of both victim and criminal so she’s the ideal candidate for the job. Plus she’s had five grand’s worth of cosmetic surgery, so she’s certainly fit for purpose – if you know what I mean!”
Ed: Turns out that Howard Elston was on holiday in Libya wielding an RPG and this was sent in by a ringer.
