Dr Howard Elston reports on clear-cut advice from Bojo’s circus of fun.

Bojangles gives us the truth

I have just come screaming from the latest Ministerial video press conference (reports Lord Elston) chaired by the government’s chief surgeon Prof. Eustace Shufflebottom. In a precise rundown, he has clarified some of the muddier corners of Cabinet policy. “These rules will lead us to the sunny uplands of good health,” the professor said as he re adjusted that funny mirror thing on his forehead that all medical folks wear. 

Here are the main Shufflebottom Points: 

1. You MUST NOT leave the house for any reason. But if you have a reason, you can leave the house.

2. Masks are useless at protecting you against the virus. But you may have to wear one because it can save lives, but they may not work, but they may be mandatory, but maybe not.

3. Shops are closed, except those shops that open.

4. You must not go to work. Unless you have to because you can’t work at home. Then it’s okay unless your business doesn’t want you to. Then you must stay home or you can get another job and go to work.

5. You should not go to the doctors or to the hospital unless you have to go there, unless you are too poorly to go there. Then you should. Or maybe not. 

6. (Redacted because it makes no sense). 

7. Gloves won’t help, but they can still help so wear them sometimes or not.

Senior cabinet members backing Shufflebottom

8. STAY HOME, but it’s important to go out if you need to. But only for essentials. Or exercise. Or to pick up paint.

9. There is no shortage of groceries in the supermarkets, but there are many things missing. Sometimes you won’t need loo rolls but you should buy some just in case you need some

10. The virus has no effect on children except those children it affects.

11. Stay mentally active by watching afternoon TV. Especially Murder, She Wrote or You’ve Been Framed. 

12-24 deals with only people with second homes or who work in finance. (Details on demand)

25. We should stay in lock down until the virus stops infecting people but it will only stop infecting people if we all get infected so it’s important we get infected and some don’t get infected.

26. You can join your neighbours for a street party and turn your music up for an outside disco and your neighbours won’t call the police. People in another street are allowed to call the police about your music whilst also having a party which you are allowed to call the police about.

Phil, a Yorkshire second-hand car dealer who has self isolated for the past twelve years, quipped: “I’m leaving Blighty. Except there’s no trains.”