Howard Elston, scourge of the right and opponent of the left, offers up verbatim excerpts of the BoJo show.

Brexit fans 

Here are the main points (writes Sir Howard) when Boris took on his opponent Whatsisname in the big debate on the 90 inch flatscreen perched on your IKEA Flatpack shelves:

Overpaid interviewer: Lord Boris, what’s your position on Brexit?

Boris: Well, err, a propos de rein, out by Halloween and, damnatio ad bestias, fuck knows what happens after that.

Overpaid interviewer: Where do you stand on the Heathrow expansion?

Boris: Well, err, data venia, I’ll ponder the possibilities after my next delectable affair in Terminal Five.

Overpaid interviewer: What about this thing with the U.K. Ambassador in Washington?

Boris: Well, err… next question but I’ll be visiting a tasty little filly in Georgetown when I next kiss The Don’s feet.

Overpaid interviewer: Taxcuts for the super rich like me. Will that happen?

Boris: I said it and I promise and I guaranteed it so, haec ornamentai mea, I’ll look at it when I endeavour to anticipate the Inevitabilities of the issues (this  answer goes on for five more minutes and can be viewed on fatmoron.com).

Overpaid etc: Final question, who will win Wimbledon?

Boris: I’ll say the person who is better and I will follow the match when I visit a cuddly little number in Herbert Road just off Wimbledon High Street.

Overpaid interviewer: Alex Boris Johnson, thank you very much.

Boris: And thank you. Drink and a quickie in the Green Room afterwards?