Howie Elston, media doyen of Westminster, reveals more vitriolic cables that spit poison at the White House.

Golden Balls

A brown envelope drops onto my walnut veneer faux-Chippendale roll top desk I bought off E-bay from an insolvent Idaho widow. It contains more shock aspersions cast upon innocent Mr Trump by the vile UK ambassador in Washington.

One email says: “The president secretly funds a string of orphanages in Latin America where he runs an underground immigrant railway to Texas.”

Another reveals: “The president dresses as a nun on alternate Thursdays and helps old ladies across rush hour DC traffic”.

A third  falsely claims: “He (the president) practises nude tantric yoga every morning in his Big Sur retreat where he worryingly monitors the warming of the oceans of this great world of ours.”

A fourth reveals:“POTUS owns a pistachio farm outside Tehran.”

And a fifth adds: “Mr Trump valiantly served his country by secretly joining the Marines and being dropped behind enemy lines in North Vietnam during the Battle of Honcho Alta along with Sly Stallone and Brad Pitt.”

A small but signifying cable adds: “Mr Trump has a personal closet of 432 sets of Jimmy Choo high heels- all in pastel colours”.

These are horrible, craven, shock unfounded lies and today both UK leader candidates Jeremy Johnson and Boris Hunt will take a close look at these craven shock unfounded lying cables to see how they can make harvest political capital out of these craven shock unfounded (etc) allegations.

Phil, a car dealer from a northern provincial English city whose name I forget and a keen White House observer, adds: “These cables will damage our future post Brexit trade deals with the US…if we had anything left to sell.”

Want to see more? Read all the ambassador’s secret hush hush confidential whacko emails on: Howardsweirdworld.com