Sir Howard Elston looks at his crystal balls to find out who the front runners are to succeed Madame May

With The Prime Minster packing her bags (scribbles Lord Howie), who will take over the heavy crown of blighted Old Blighty? Here are the runners, riders, outsiders and a thumbnail sketch of each: 

Phiilip Hammond: Boring, weird hairdo. 

Matthew Hancock: Just boring.

Rory Stewart: Skeleton man, would frighten kids 

Boris: Duplicitous twat 

Tory leader front runners

Michael Gove: Ditto

Angela Leadsom: Thatcher redux 

Jose Mourinho: Egocentric deluded football manager, has all the tools necessary. Howard’s inside choice. 

Nigel Farage: Creep

Jamie Oliver: Bankrupt cook currently flipping burgers on Croydon high street. Possible non-starter.

Nicola Sturgeon: Efficient SNP boss, but must ditch those outfits nicked from Star Trek 

Jeremy Corbyn: Sneering hardline Brexiteer. Howard’s inside choice. 

Trumpie: Fat criminal, runs quickly in mucky dirt. The one to watch.

Guess the winner and grab a night out with Mrs May and hubby Phil at the Maidenhead Golden Oak carvery for a Sunday lunch and a bevvy.