Today we give special space to Monsieur Howard de la Elston, owner of La Grenouille Sale, the French company that will make the post-Brexit UK passport for the next 450 years

Mes chers British friends (writes M. Elston).

It is with a great sense of humbleness that my colleagues and I undertake the honour of producing 30 billion UK passports now that you are basically buggering off into outer space when you leave Le EU.

May I take the time, s’il vous plait, to guarantee that your heritage and votre honneur will be sacrosanct as we work hard to protect your British sense of nationhood.

Now that we beat down the English bid by about £110 million Anglo pounds sterling, we will work tres forte to give you our Euro-best as you swill your warm beer, get nailed at the Russian Mafia World Cup and disappear into the La Manche over the next 30 years.

Nothing will change, I can swear on a stack of frites about that. But we will improve a tiny bit your old fashioned UK passport to bring it into the 21st century.

For instance embellished on the front cover will be the gilded phrase: “Passeport authentique Britannique fabriqué par les mains Français authentique”.

On the inside cover is the time-honoured epithet: “Le Secrétaire de l’État de Sa Majesté délivre ce passeport de la part de Louis le Sol King”.

And on the back is an emblazoned epigram which warns: “La pénalité pour l’usage illégal de ce passeport est exécution par une very sharp guillotine”.

We ici at La Grenouille Sale give you this undertaking as we rake in the loot and steal all your digitised details and sell them to Le Facebook- our underwriters Cambridge Analytica give this as a cast-iron legal commitment as they all head for The Cayman Islands

Merci and bon chance.

Sir Howard de la Elston

The Birmingham Press adds: Phil, a Yorkshire scrap dealer and a specialist in International Law, comments: “The Frenchies stole our passports. But then again, the English company that lost the bid was called De La Rue. And let me tell you that sounds a bit Froggie to me anyways.”