Our financial editor Sir Howard Elston talks candidly about where he stows his billions.

I am sitting on my verandah overlooking the piazzas and tree-lined esplanades of downtown Scunthorpe as I explain why I have put 68% of my cash in the Cayman Islands.

Like Our Majesty, my insightful advisors have told me it is advisable to invest (advisedly) in Cayman Island Holdings to reduce my extraordinary tax bill. By totally legally avoiding paying my whack, they have told me, it  will be a boon to our Great Ship Britain. My wealth will not be nibbled away on paying for unneeded hospitals, re-building unused roads or hiring expensive state school teachers.

Instead, a powerful wealth package will be created for more important things like aircraft carriers and MPs’ expenses while they are mauling their staff.

But the media will not back off. So here is my fairly complete list of where Redditch Classic Intl Trust Ltd, my bespoke financial company, has put my totally legally fiscal package. It includes:

• £12.3m is in Cayman Island Holdings with infrastructure investment in North Korean and Saudi Arabian security developments to keep their happy populations safe 

• £24.6m is in Bermuda Macro-Business SA which is used to sell cheap furniture to poor people at 1,325% APR, and thereby teach customers how to use their meagre cash well

• £12.7m is with Seychelles Dynamic Inc which is proving a wise place to invest as it is a 93% shareholder in Trumpstock Semi Automatic Machine Guns based in Waco,Texas

While these investments add up to a 19% increase per annum, the new wealth will help grow our great nation as we leave the EU and slowly and bravely sail off alone into the North Sea, untethered, rudderless and manned by a mangy sex-starved crew of seedy politicians.

I would also like to thank the monarchy’s advisors, Toady and Sons, who have advised Our Queen to follow my lead in keeping Britain on the right course on the rough seas of the financial markets.

Phil from Leeds, a second hand car dealer and macro-economist, adds: “Sir Howard’s valiant use of offshore non taxable cash is a godsend for Blighty and will help us remain the prime mover of international affairs along with other great nations such as Bulgaria, Guatemala and Franz-Josefland. Roll on international finance.

“BTW, check out my hybrid Rovers – they’ll save you a bundle. Many come with radio for in-house listening entertainment.”