Sir Howard Elston, our US editor, reveals more on Dumpy Trumpy’s plans for a 51st state.

I am sitting, vodka and lime in hand, on the Trump Tower upper verandah overlooking downtown Lewiston Maine as the Republican candidate himself tells me about his next step.

Last week, I exclusively revealed that once he is reduced to a lump of molten lard after the US election defeat, he will create a new state called Trumpsylvania. Today, amidst the glitz of his fantastic zircon-encrusted skyscrapers overlooking the magnificent Androscoggin River, he gave more details.

On education: Lord Donald told me: “I absolutely love education. So did my family who paid the University of Pennsylvania to take me on as a student. I will give every man, child…and some women..the chance to raise themselves up and emerge as a four-times corporate bankrupt, just like me. And I make an education promise, that is so educational and that is the Electoral College will transfer to my state after the rigged election.”

On defence: “I like Chelsea. They showed great resolve in its 4-0 destruction of Man U this weekend. The Red Devils just couldn’t get past the secondary.”

On culture:

On environment: “Trumpsylvania will be the cleanest state in the Union. It will be beautiful, a beautiful state with golden skyscrapers, big ethnically cleansed parks and hot dog stands on every corner.”

Secret location of Trumpy’s new state

On family values: “I believe every man in my state should have a family, if not two or three.”

Sir Howard goes up again at Hillary Clinton in two weeks time, stay tuned and dannae youse change yon channel, ach aye.

@sirhoward elston

This amazing article was cloud-funded by I-Trump, the digital property of Donald J. Trump