Boris Johnson: Bloody hell, Lord Howard, haven’t seen your since that odd initiation thing with Cammo and the pig.

HE: Dead pig, actually.

BJ: Bringing up the subject of the EU chief spearcarrier, are we? (gales of laughter).

HE:  Down to business, Bojo, what about Brexit?

BJ: Take control, regain our independence, throw off the reins of oppressive European regulation (more gales of laughter).

HE: Sounds a bit of a broken record there, Bozza…how about our relations with the US?

BJ: (more laughter)  Burgers, a wall on the Mexican border and throw in some bollocks about Muslims. Plus shoot a semi-automatic once in a while. They’ll buy any old nonsense.

HE: And the Commonwealth?

BJ: Strange music, hot food, good at squash…

HE: Iran?

BJ: Bloody Persia..gunboat diplomacy, send a couple of steamships up their Caspians, that’ll sort ’em.

HE: Foreign Secretary, always a pleasure. My best to Theresa.

BJ: Will tell the old girl you. Bit lacking in the old laughs department, she is. And a tad tall for my wodger…

HE: I think that’s about it, Bojo, goodbye and goodnight.