The latest from our hard-hitting Parliamentary gossip columnist.

Sir Howard Elston (DOA) talks to former Foreign Secretary the Right Honourable Jackie Boy Straw about his totally legal unber the table totally legal back door payments.

SIR HOWARD ELSTON (DOA): I am sitting in the Dorchester Hotel in London, Engerlund, UK, having been given the best table in the house after the Rt Hon (sic) Lord Sir Jack Straw (MP) had a quiet word with the concierge followed by the crisp sound of some newly minted fivers crossing a palm.

Lord Sir Jack Straw (MP): Nothing wrong there, under the radar and all that.

HE (DOA): As a sitting MP, isn’t your first obligation to represent the good people of Blackburn which is in the North of England somewhere, UK-ville?

Jackie Boy (left) with  his debt advisor

JS: Yes, and to do that I must continue my totally legal requests to take a personal cheque from any shady corporation that knocks on my door.

HE (sipping yellow tea and munching on a gold encrusted crumpet): But Lord Sir Jackie Boy, you were a Labour cabinet minister, working for the betterment of the working people of this great land of ours. You grabbed the grubby money for access to power.

Jackie Boy (right) with another right one (left)

JS: Many people do not realise how difficult it is to claim for expenses as an MP. Especially after the bloody media figured out our tricky tricks for getting legal compensation for bath mats, CD cleaners and wisteria restoration. I are working flat out, out-of-hours, just to keep my head above water to represent the good people of wherever my constituency is

HE: Critics have said you are a poisoned piece of vermin with your grubby nose in the trough along with the right hon (sic)  Malcolm Rifkind, chairman of Parliament’s Intelligence and Security Committee. Are you guilty of taking bribes?

JS: I totally refute that and as a barrister and legislator will drag you through the courts if you repeat it outside the confines of this august column. Anyway, I have reported myself to some dumb committee in the House of Commons which will report back to my right honourable fellow MPs by the year 2056.

Parliamentary committee that will decide Jackie Boy’s fate

HE: Is that all?

Jackie Boy: No, I also have suspended myself from the Parliamentary Labour Party, which means I cannot help Ed Milliband lose the election in two months time. It will meet in 2067 to uphold my self-suspension.

HE: The Right Honourable Lord Sir Jack Straw. A pleasure to grease your palm.

JS: That’ll be £6,500 please and make the invoice out to Apex Windows Cleaners, c/o HSBC, Switzerland.

Tomorrow: Sir Howard flies to somewhere nice to meet Rt Hon Malcolm Rifkind in his underground bunker.