Pope?
HOWARD ELSTON, our Rome Reporter, gives us details of who will oversee the Holy See after Easter.
I can reveal that Tony Blair, England’s ex Prime Minister, will be handed the Pope’s job once Benedict XVI takes his voluntary redundo early this spring.
Sources close to whatever mansion Mr Blair lives in have told me he is packing his bags and his suntan oil for the Vatican.
‘Tony will want to be known as Antoine The First,’ the source told me over spaghetti, those tasty little almond things and a glass of mediocre Tuscan wine. ‘He’s mad for the job now that he had made such as impact in his role as boss of the Mid East.’
‘And,’ the insider added, ‘He and Dame Cherie know there are a lot of nice little earners too once he grabs power in the Apostolic Palace.’
Prof MK Tang, a Glasgow University academic who knows everything because he reads The Guardian, says the job is well suited to the former Labour boss.
‘He is in essence made for the Pope’s role. He is a newly announced Catholic who amazingly let it be known he had changed faith once he stopped being a politician.’
‘He is a dab hand at starting holy wars. He is, basically a button down conservative which follows smoothly in the footsteps Benedict and Paul.’
‘And’ said Prof Tang, ‘He loves Italian food and Berlusconi.’
‘What more do you want?’
A spokesman for St Antoine said: ‘Tony is assessing his chances. He will re brand the Vatican as Tough on Original Sin, Tough on the Causes of Original Sin.’
‘By the way, don’t quote me on this, ‘ he whispered, ‘But I nicked that from a real funny guy on Twitter.’
Enjoyed this
Howard is missing part of the story. The free market will explore the option of an indulgence market, dormant since the 1500’s or so.
At first I thought this was another attempt at that kind of ‘Indy’ irony or sarcasm one sees from organs such as the BP. On reading further I did however realise that this was a considered piece which at last heralded a journalistic renaissance which placed St Anthony of The Poor at the centre of one of the most important jobs…and let’s face it…..closest to God ….positions, befitting only of those of the spiritual stature of St Anthony.
His CV speaks for itself….but let’s just save time and skip to the zenith of his spiritual journey…Peace Envoy to the Middle Earth…and ….yes ….some cynics even doubted his motivations here! How wrong they were and hopefully now those Guardian types are eating their words.
I for one will be making my way to Roma for that most venerable of events when our humble vicar assumes his rightful position next to our maker….and if you think the wonder he has woven in Middle Earth and in his battle with the Evil One in Iraq is anything to behold ….I say to you….things can only get better. May The Lord protect his soul and praise he who doth lead us from eternal sin, the depths of depravity and shit.
Out of the depths we have cried for you Oh Antoine ……Venite Adoremus ….. Etc etc ad nauseam for centuries to come.
I think they should go for a woman this time, the queen would seem ideal.