Howard Elston, our diplomatic editor, with an intercontinental scooperoo to shock the world
New moves are afoot tonight to quell political chaos in the United States with the peace keeping Arab League ready to send in their observers to investigate American domestic politics.
With reactionaries all but taking to the streets and autobot politicians streaming off the Republican conveyor belt as fast as a CGI computer can bang them out, League members are packing their bags for JFK, I can reveal.
One insider told me: ‘Now that we have fully analysed the Syrian unrest and found that the regime is totally innocent and troublemakers are actively throwing themselves in front of bullets and jumping in front of peaceful tanks, we feel we have a lot to offer.’
‘Today Damascus. Tomorrow, South Carolina.’
First up for the League mission is to follow the right wing of the Republican Party as it slowly immolates, Specialists will track their every movement.
‘Of special interest,‘ reads an Arab League communique ‘is just where the candidates wives get their cosmetic surgery. Their smiles are cemented on their botoxed faces. And we have a lot to learn about their values.’
This will be followed by a look at the flagging remains of the Democrats who promised a lot to win the last election and ended up using drones on their Pakistani allies, kept open Guantanamo Bay and helped British spies learn how to torture suspects.
The Arab League insider added: ‘The US of A has troubles. We can highlight them and give the Americans some advice about staying out of hot water. Just like we did in Damascus.’
Also on the agenda will be South Carolina where the Republicans are working hard to pick one of those dummy-like robots that has done so much for American dentistry.
Top priority: Dentistry in US politics
‘I kind of like Ron Paul because he wants everyone to smoke pot.’ the spokesman said.
‘But the other three- who we believe have been hatched from the same egg- also have good ideals though we not sure what they are. Plus their marital partners have jumped right off the page of Stepford Wives and we all loved the movie.’
Nigel, a political specialist from Tyneside, commented: ‘If the Arab League can keep up their reputation of honesty and fair play as they did in Syria, the good old US of A has nothing to worry about. Haway the Lads. Newcastle’s gwan’ to win the Cup, like, man.’’
